How to turn $5,000 cash into XMR anonymously? : Monero | Torhoo darknet markets

I live in Germany, if this helps.

The funds I have are laundered, completely clean. I just want genuine advice on how I swap this money into XMR, without any identification, and keeping it completely private.

I have all the money in prepaid cards, $500 each. I also obviously want the lowest commission %.

I need this in XMR as soon as possible for hires and investing into my organization.

Also, when downloading the Monero GUI Wallet, all of my anti-viruses and even Windows Defender is flagging it during the downloading process:

Current threats
Threats found. Start the recommended actions.
Trojan:Win32/Pomal!rfn

That is creepy, and I'm obviously not allowing that on my device.

All help is accepted! Please ask questions so I can add extra context if needed.