The Therapy Room (Join us) #002 : CafeDread | Torhoo darknet markets

sure--let me put my 2 cents.

got married really young, tried to escape weed addiction, an abusive household, and a lot of other things. mom has always been too mentally ill and narcissistic to love me 100% of the time, gotten called a lot of things, chased with a knife over not closing a cupboard, etc. it's bad. i don't talk to her anymore. dropped out of uni because my scholarship lost funds, parents don't know. i wish i never dropped out. i had a 4.8 in hs. getting back on track is so hard. i know i'm smart, but my adhd and just volatile spending is my crutch.

he does the basic husband things, he'll drive me to work, make sure i'm fed, etc. but i'm always expected to give more than is received. his friends always take priority over me, and most nights i really only feel like a s* toy. i try to be a good wife, i'll give it to him even when i don't feel like it, cook for him, clean the house, don't say anything when he has angry outbursts. i have a job so he doesn't have to pay for anything of mine. he'll have friends over til 6 in the morning knowing i'm working a double and need quiet to sleep. he'll always tell me last minute--and last time he had to go to a wedding he didn't even invite me to travel with him. he takes trips every other month. i haven't had a vacation in 6 years.

anytime i try to communicate he thinks it's not enough. i'm always expected to act like a wife, but he never wants to act like a husband. i'm fine with that, but the constant p* usage, and having a bumble subscription while married...nah. mind you, i'm young, pretty, cook, clean, am kind, work w the disabled or w.e. on paper i'm the perfect wife. he threatened to kick me out a month ago, because i was texting one of my friends and hid my phone from him (cause how are you going to not let me go through your phone but also want to go through it before i get to hang out with anyone i like). he also bruised up my arm really fucking bad. apparently i "bruise like a tomato". dates are never planned, if we go out, he always is like "can my sister come too" and like...he has so much quality time with his loved ones, but barely any with me. there was a time when this man would be one call away, couldn't bear to see me cry, kept all my favorite snacks, got me a wooden rose so it doesn't disintegrate.

i can't sit still sure, but it's about being in the same room doing something. i love flowers but i always have to buy them for myself. i don't feel beautiful anymore, i don't feel alive anymore. work is the only thing keeping me going. got to the point where all i asked for is a long hug and some cuddles each day after work. even that is "too much and he doesn't have the emotional bandwidth, he's always in problem solving and working fast mode". "all men look at other women". "KZ, there's one sock on the floor you never keep anything clean you're not ready to be a wife/you're not a good wife to me" (whole house is cleaned, all laundry is put away, after KZ got done working til 4 in the morning).
mind you, I can take myself out on my own dates, fed my friends caviar the other day but i was secretly wishing that i had a man to share that with. i'm fine paying too, i don't have that ego problem, i just wanted someone to have a good meal with and to just...hold me. tell me i look nice because i do, not because they want to take me to their bed. someone who looks at me with love and not lust.

anyways, after friends constantly staying over until 3-4 in the morning, him being gone until 3-4 in the morning, messages to onlyfans models, escorts, 57 women on bumble, 2 on hinge (was before we were married but he kept the bumble subscription active and tried to hide it from me, msged escorts after we got married) {i got to the point where i told him fine fuck other women but tell me and talk to me if you're going to msg someone don't do it behind my back}, and not changing a cent even though i legit do everything + a laborious job...i'm going to ask for a divorce once i'm financially stable enough. i don't know how, or when, but i'm too young to be settling for this shit. i'm gonna miss his mom. she was sweet to me.

what happened yesterday was weird. my first ever love has been trying to reach out for 2 years. we've been on, then off, then on (because KZ keeps running away and has disorganized attachment or w.e you want to call it). got a missed call yday from a textnow number. i knew it was him deep down. we've had our time apart, we've grown, made something of ourselves. when first love first met me, it was him with the disorganized attachment issues--and various other issues, now it's me. i've seen him grow into a calm, (mostly) sober, religious, and responsible man.

i don't know what snapped in me yesterday. i lost it. his friend was downstairs with him again, he told me i can get dressed up and we can have some time together (a glimmer of hope). anyways, i was getting dressed ~11pm when he told me his friend is here. so i was like you know what. fuck this noise. called that textnow number, and lo and behold it was indeed first love. told him no frisky biz cause yo girl ain't a cheater, meet me at IHOP, i just need to talk. i took off my makeup, put on something modest and got going. he was there in 10 min after working a 22 hour shift. we stayed there til 4:30am just talking about life, the fact that someone wanted to spend time with me...fuck. i don't smoke a lot anymore, but we smoked a little too. he told me the reason he called is he got a new car and he wanted me to be the first and only person to see it. weird detail but we were unintentionally matching, both wore white. i told him most things, he got mad about the physical violence (it's been like 3 weeks and the bruise on my arm is still not fully faded, its a little black mark and he still noticed it), and gave me a very very long hug. he held me for a long time mentally and physically, not even in a lustful or sexual way...and no one has done that in 8 months. my husband went out of state on the worst week of my life (i was crying every single day after going no contact with my mom), and had the audacity to want to stay LONGER. i told him (ex) if we ever do the thing we did 3 years ago again it's going to have to be after i heal from everything. he said he missed my company and he wants to be friends first. i also told him "the KZ you knew 3 years ago is very different to the one you know now". which is true---i'm more careful, a lot more sad, not a wild rebellious child. he was like "yeah i want the KZ i see now dummy".

so i'm going to be a brave girl and ask for a religious divorce since we aren't married legally. i feel rlly bad about going to see my ex. but deep in my heart i know i didn't do anything wrong and will take a lot of time being single so i don't hurt him should we choose to be together.

Sorry you feel like a failure at times. I think we all go through it but the fact you are writing about it is good.

I'm currently searching for my next "thing" and don't know what it is. I need more purpose. I'm divorced and don't want another relationship. Job is stable and steady but I don't jump out of bed excited every day to get to work. I've had that in the past and want that again and don't know where I will find it.

In the grand scheme of things, life is pretty good relative to others who might not be as fortunate. But we all have our shit to deal with.

Truth is, every minute I spend on here post is a minute I should be doing something more productive with. :(

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Please kill yourself, you are annoying as fuck.

No need for a reply, just do it, and remember "down and not along the road".

I'm down to just over 3 months left before I'm finished with a job I hate that I moved across the county for. Aside from the amazing people I've met here, the move was both terrible mentally and financially. Basically have spun my wheels trying to move up in the world the last decade and made moves successful people encouraged me to take, and yet I'm in no better position than I was 10 years ago when moving around for work started. Was never me to chase the normal route and I think being inauthentic to my core values is a big reason I keep failing.

Now it's time for another long move and starting a business in an uncertain economy. Hopefully it's not another failure and I feel your pain on feeling that way

First of all, you must learn to leave in the past what belongs to the past.

Your failures in life belong to the past, and whatever you do in the present, what was done before cannot be undone.

So think about it, draw some positive conclusions (like: I never want to do that again) and forgive yourself (you were too young, you didn't know, you didn't think before you did something, ...). Whatever it was you did, you understood it was wrong and you'll never do it again. This is called acceptance.

Once you've reached this level of thinking, anyone can try to remind you (as many times as they like) of what you've done, but it won't affect you anymore, because you'll have learn from it, drawn the right conclusions from what you've done and you'll be at peace with it.

Sit and wait for changes never helped anyone. And just make efforts to make it happen isn't sufficient enough.
You want changes in the future? Well make those changes happen, actively , don't wait, don't make efforts, just do it .

Feel free to pm me if you feel the need (I'm not a guru or a psychiatrist, but I've done things in my life that I'm not proud of, and I've managed to made it through life).

I fear that I'll become the supreme leader of North Korea, that'll be scary times if that happens.

I spent my whole day trying to solve a problem at work. I couldn't figure it out, so I will be doing the same thing tomorrow. I hope it goes better

What can I say to you I am in one of the North African countries and I was curious about browsing the internet until I came across websites that criticize religions and I became convinced that Islam is not a true religion and I left it I have not chosen any other religion yet I spent two years without anyone knowing that I had left Islam until my sister saw the YouTube history of the videos I watched and she told my father and that is when the conflict between me and him started I was harassed and constantly monitored but I was not kicked out of the house because I was working with my father almost for free what bothered me the most was the lack of privacy and the constant surveillance six months ago I ran away from home with some clothes my phone and some money I lived homeless for two months but thanks to someone I started working in a cafeteria today I earn a decent salary and I live in a room attached to the cafeteria and now I am starting a new life with my freedom

In this post, I've written a summary of my situation, in case you want to read it

/post/1516e238314a3657e7cf

Im dead inside and my mind is starting to do crazy things, I think suicide will be the next step :|